Infinite Improbability
by Karo Lunel
Summary: Follows exactly after the events in Mostly Harmless. Please review, unless you don't want to and stuff...
1. Prolouge

Nothing is as it seems. For instance, Brockian Ultra-Cricket. Another case is the Earth. It was actually created by a race of hyper-intelligent beings to calculate ultimate question to go with the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything. However, five minutes before the critical readout, the Earth was destroyed by the Vogons employed by psychiatrists to make sure that people would never know the meaning of life and therefore would still be miserable and still pay the psychiatrists lots of money to talk to them. However, the dolphins for the Save the Humans foundation created a second Earth so the strange ape-descendent beings that roamed the surface of the supercomputer thought that it was all a hallucination.

However, two Earthlings had fled the Earth before it had been destroyed though; Tricia McMillian and Arthur Dent. Tricia, now called Trillian Astra, had escaped six months earlier with ex-president of the galaxy Zaphod Beeblebrox, and Arthur found out the day his home was to be destroyed that his friend, Ford Prefect, was not from Guildford but from a small planet that orbits Betelgeuse and they hitched a rid on a Vogon spacecraft. After that, they went on odd adventures involving saving the universe, Italian Bistros, and just plain improbability.

This is what happened after the Grebulon leader put on some light music.


	2. Where's the tea?

Arthur felt himself floating in an infinite void, where nothing was real and everything was real. He wondered where he was, what had happened, and, most of all, if there was any tea here.

Even though Arthur had been used to being blow up, this was different. This was Stavro Mula Beta different. He had been to Stavro Mula Beta. He had ducked to avoid the gunshot. Agrajag had been killed once again. Then a giant light. Then there was this ephemeral void he was floating in.

Arthur thought he heard a voice calling to him. It sounded familiar. It made him forget all of his troubles. He did some bobbing and swimming through the nothingness, which reminded him of all the times he had flown on the planet Krikket. As he got closer to the voice, he immediately realized whom it belonged to: Fenchurch. Whit a shock, Arthur realized that either he was dead or ceased to exist in all points of time. Suddenly, everything became clear to him; every problem in the universe seemed solvable all of a sudden. As he floated through this new-found Nirvana, he felt warm and happy and…

"Arthur!" Fenchurch yelled. Arthur opened his eyes and looked around. He was on a green hill, surrounded by a massive city.

"What happened?" he asked blearily.

"Well, after I suddenly found myself on this planet a few years ago," Fenchurch replied, "I've been trying to find you. Today, I just decided to sit on this hill when you just pop out of thin air, unconscious, and I've been trying to wake you up for the past ten minutes."

"Ah, er…what's the name of this planet, and why is this hill in the middle of a city?"

"This is Eta Carinae Delta. Rather peculiar planet. This hill's artificial; it's the city that is natural."

"Umm…I see…Sort of…"

Fenchurch laughed, "It's okay, I had trouble figuring it all out a first too."

"So, er…what have you been up to?"

Fenchurch shrugged her shoulders in a way that reminded Arthur that he still loved her.

"Not much. The citizens of Eta Carinae Delta are kind of, well, stiff. It makes sense, though, as they're all robots. It's a good thing Sirius Cybernetics Corporation doesn't know about this place; they would try to reprogram them to do totally useless crap. Anyway, if you want to live here, you have to obtain an OCI."

"Er…what's an OCI?"

"It stands for Organic Citizen's Identification. It looks like this."

Fenchurch reached into the handbag she was wearing that Arthur noticed looked like a small hard drive-it even had the Apple symbol on it-and pulled out a credit card sized device that looked like an internal modem. On one side was circuitry and a small black panel that had "Fenchurch, Earth, _Homo sapiens_, Class C license" printed on it. The other side had a barcode that was rather long and had a number that looked like Ford Prefect's most recent bill at a pub in Salem.

"This," Fenchurch stated matter-of-factly, "Is an OCI."

"Um…I don't think I'd want to really live here."

"That's okay, a Class C license is only temporary. Where would you like to go?"

Arthur paused as he thought of all the places he knew of in the universe, and how most of them were places he'd never like to see, hear, smell, taste, touch, or ever think about again. He thought about how much he wanted to say "Earth," but couldn't because it had been blown up. Unless…

"Fenchurch," Arthur started, "Do you still have a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?"

"Of course. I never go anywhere without it."

"May I see it for a moment?"

Fenchurch delved once again into her computer/handbag and pulled out her copy of an electronic book that is more informed than Everything About the Universe: The Abridged Version, more inexpensive that _Encyclopedia Galactica_, and more controversial than All the Secrets Nobody Wants You to Know About Your Neighbor's Love Life. In some parts of the galaxy, it has replaced more standard-and veritable-books of reference, and in other parts of the galaxy, mostly the ones with the companies for these more standard and veritable books, it has been banned and anyone caught with possession of one is sentenced to death, the Total Perspective Vortex, or, if the court finds them guilty in conjunction with a series of more heinous crimes, sending out for a tax-return.

It was The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and currently Arthur was frantically pressing buttons searching for a single entry that would make him feel better about stuff. He got to a page and scrolled down until he got to an entry between Eartinus and Eccentrica Galumbits. It read only two words, but to Arthur they were the most beautiful words he had ever heard. "Earth: Mostly Harmless." The Guide read.

Arthur pressed the "Battery Preservation Mode" button and the screen flickered off. Arthur breathed a sigh of relief.

"The place I would most like to go," Arthur said, "Is Earth. I want to go there because it still exists. I don't want to go to any alternate-dimension Earth like Nowwhat or Sirius Cybernetics Corporation's Complaint Department's Sector ZZ Appendix Planet. I want the real Earth." Arthur sighed and lay down. Wherever Eta Carinae Delta was, it was probably nowhere near Earth. Plus, Arthur doubted that any of the natives had even heard of the Earth. The only way to get back would be by the Heart of Gold or the Bistromath.

Arthur sighed again, looked at Fenchurch, and said, "Is there any tea on this planet?"


	3. Infinite Improbability Drive Activated

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy _has this to say on the subject of Eta Carinae Delta:_

"_Avoid this planet! Eta Carinae Delta is the third least hitchhiker-friendly place in the Milky Way Galaxy. Staying there for any period of time requires you to obtain (usually by purchasing) a license. Also, since the natives are all made of metal, they aren't much for fun, festivities, conversations, eating, breathing, helping out, or doing anything organic whatsoever._

_Eta Carinae Delta also has no pubs."_

_The book then goes on to explain the best ways to avoid Eta Carinae Delta, ways to rehabilitate after being there, and what dimensions it doesn't exist in._

_For some reason, the next entry in _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy _was somehow deleted leaving many confused about the purpose of etymologists._

Arthur Dent had not looked up Eta Carinae Delta before going there, so it wasn't until after he had read this, and had it explained to him by Fenchurch four times, what a dull and uninteresting place the planet was.

Of course, he found it out on his own anyway.

It had been a week since Arthur had started living on Eta Carinae Delta with Fenchurch. They shared an apartment that looked like a gigantic weeping willow. They're room was about midway up near a hollow. Arthur hated it because a tree didn't provide as much privacy as a stone building, but Fenchurch liked it for the same reason. Today, they were going to attempt to leave the planet-again.

"Are you ready now?" Arthur asked Fenchurch for the sixth time.

"Almost," she replied, "I just need to figure out the rest of the plan."

Arthur sighed. He sat down and picked up Fenchurch's notebook. Inside it were all the plans they had used to try to escape, but failed somehow. Eta Carinae Delta had strict rules about travel. Since Arthur had arrived on Eta Carinae Delta improbably, according to the rules, he had to leave improbably as well.

Arthur disliked this rule because he really wanted to leave Eta Carinae Delta, partially because it was boring, but mainly because there was no tea on this planet.

Fenchurch finally came down holding a large sheet of paper.

"Okay, I'm ready," she said.

"Finally," Arthur muttered, and with that, they exited their branch, walked down a spiral staircase, exited the complex, and immediately had a large vat of chai tea dumped on their heads.

The next part was very odd.

Numbers swirled all around them, monkeys did strange dances with turtles, a chocolate bar began to eat itself while a pistachio applauded, and the rest of the planet seemed to become mad.

"What's happening?" Fenchurch inquired worriedly.

"Er," Arthur replied with as much intelligence as he could muster.

If either of them had said anything else, it was lost in the maelstrom of confusion that ensued. They felt as if their bodies were ripped apart and reassembled. As they staggered about in a room that had just materialized around them, Arthur and Fenchurch could just make out a voice that said, "2 to the 856th power to one against and falling."

The room turned a strange shade of pink, but Arthur didn't care, he knew he had heard that voice somewhere before. It was cheery and polite and sounded like the voice of someone who liked math problems and had never eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his life.

"Two the 477th power to one against and falling," it said again, pausing only to add, "Two to the 99th power and falling. Glad you could be with us, guys!"

"Arthur," Fenchurch whispered, as any other sound seemed to blast out at maximum level, "What's going on here?"

"I believe," Arthur whispered in reply, "That we have become entangled in that infernal Improbammmmph!"

Arthur's mouth had become entangled by the Great Cthulhu, so he could not use it at the moment.

"Two to the 4th power to one against and falling." The voice said. The Great Cthulhu disappeared.

"What I'm trying to say," Arthur began again as a road sign reading, "Now entering Ohio" flew over his head, "Is that we seem to be entangled in that infernal Improbability Field."

"What's an Improbability Field?" Fenchurch asked as a she pointed to a cow the best way to get to Luxembourg.

"Two to one against." The voice said again.

"It's complicated." Arthur said.

"One to one against," the voice said, "We have reached normality, I repeat, we have reached normality. Hi there, Arthur! Did you have a nice trip? Who's your friend? Should I help you reach the bridge?"

"No, that won't be necessary," Arthur began, "Come on Fenchurch, it looks like we're back on the Heart of Gold."

"What's the Heart of Gold?"

"It's a spaceship Zaphod stole. It's annoying."

"Who's Zaphod?"

"He's this guy with two heads and three arms."

"Oh, so he's from Belgium?"

"No, he's from space. He's a friend of Ford's."

"Ford Prefect? The man who got us onto that spaceship with the giant robot?"

"Yes, that Ford Prefect."

"Thank you for making a simple door very happy." Said the door they had just walked through.

"Why did you say this ship was annoying?"

"It has this strange device on it that makes anything that couldn't happen happen. I'm guessing that's how we got picked up by it."

"I see. So, where's the bridge?"

"It's right up here."

"I'm so happy you decided to walk through me!" Cried out another door as they walked through it and onto the bridge to be confronted with a man with two heads smiling at them.

"Hey, Monkeyman!" Zaphod called out.

"Hello Zaphod. Fenchurch, this is Zaphod, Zaphod, this is Fenchurch."

"Hello, Zaphod." Fenchurch said as she stuck out her hand. Zaphod shook it with the hand that wasn't holding a cigar and the hand that wasn't holding a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

"Hi." Zaphod said, then he took another swig at his drink.

"So, er," Arthur began, "Where is everyone?"

Zaphod shrugged, "You should know. Don't you remember?"

"Oh, yes, I forgot. I hope they're okay."

"Hey, the last time I checked, Ford and Trillian were with you. What happened, did you ditch them for your friend here?"

Arthur glared at Zaphod for a moment before saying, "No. The planet we were on got blown up. Somehow, I ended up on the planet Fenchurch is on, and I can only hope that Ford, Trillian, and Random are okay."

"Zappo, the planet you were on was blown up? Wowee, I'm glad I missed that party!" Zaphod laughed before adding, "Say, who's Random?"

"It's er, complicated. She's my, er, daughter, but-"

"YOUR WHAT!" Fenchurch screamed at him.

"But she's not my daughter," Arthur continued patiently, "Trillian decided to have an artificial insemination, and I was the only human match they could find."

There was a pause in the room. Suddenly Zaphod said, "I would think so."

Fenchurch, after recovering from the shock, was looking about the ship. She noticed a large gold button.

"Hey," she said, "What does this do?"

"NO! Don't-" Arthur and Zaphod said in unison, but Fenchurch had already pressed the button.

To the nearby planet of Jarris, there seemed to be a supernova in the sky, which they found odd because there weren't any stars close enough for them to witness a supernova during they, even though they only had three seconds to worry about it before the entire planet was incinerated in the blast.


	4. Something Else Improbable

"Never, on any circumstances," Arthur began shakily, "Press that button." He gestured to where the gold button had last been, but now there was a chocolate brownie in its place. He quickly picked it up and ate it to regain his equilibrium.

"Was that the Infinite Improbability Drive?" Fenchurch asked from the ceiling.

"Yep," Zaphod replied happily, "It sure was." He was replying happily because now there were Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters in his other two hands as well. He took a sip from each one at once, which was then followed by a "Freeowww!"

Fenchurch walked to the floor and picked up a cup of china filled with Pepsi Vanilla. She took a sip and threw it away. "So what happened?" she asked.

Arthur waved his hand in front of a motion sensor panel, which brought up a rather large star chart. It showed a line starting from where the recently incinerated planet Jarris once resided and stopped near the edge of the map, near a strangely shaped quasar.

"That," Arthur began, "Is where we are."

"So what's that?" Fenchurch asked again.

"I don't know."

"_I'll_ tell you where we are," a despondent voice said from the back of the bridge. Arthur, Fenchurch, and Zaphod turned around to see a metallic man in the corner with triangular, red eyes glaring at them, "We're near the edge of the universe."

"Hey, er, Marvin," Zaphod began, "How have you been?"

Marvin did a metallic sigh before saying, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Isn't this that robot from the planet where the Final Message is?" Fenchurch asked.

"Yes," Arthur replied, "I believe so."

"You _believe _so!" Marvin began furtively, "What's left to believe in for a robot who's now eight times older than the universe, has died multiple times, and has already solved every known problem in the universe and some unknown!" He slumped down miserably and turned himself off.

The three organic beings stared.

"Oookaayyy…" Zaphod began, "That was odd. But what's this about an edge to the universe? I mean, I thought the universe was infinite! I mean, think about it man! And woman! If there's an edge to the universe, then that means that everything anybody's ever told me has been wrong!"

"I didn't realize that this upset you so much." Arthur said worriedly. He had never seen Zaphod so upset.

"It does upset me! I mean, what's on the other side of this quasar! According to Marvin, we won't find out! I mean, I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox, man! I can't live my life knowing that there really is an edge!"

"What about alternate universes?"

"WHAT ABOUT THEM!"

"Umm, guys," Fenchurch began, who had been ignoring Zaphod's ranting and had been staring at the screen, "What's that orange light coming at us?"

"That," Eddie began cheerily, "Is an Ultra-Mega-Über-Hyper-Quasi-Death Bomb! Have a nice afterlife!"


	5. A Relatively ShortYetSomewhatIntense Cha...

The Ultra-Mega-Über-Hyper-Quasi-Death Bomb floated through space at a speed that was definitely faster than floating towards the Heart of Gold.

"If you even think about saying," Zaphod began angrily at Arthur, "'So this is it; we're going to die.' I will hit you so hard you'll use Vogon poetry to recover from it!"

"Is Zaphod always this angry?" Fenchurch inquired, "And what are we going to do about that bomb?"

Arthur was still in a bit of shock from Zaphod's ranting about his pessimistic attitude, so had nothing to say on the matter.

A hollow dirge floated through the bridge that originated from Marvin; it was his way of saying he was minutely less miserable.

"Do you want me to sing you a song?" Eddie asked cheerfully.

"No," Zaphod replied through gritted teeth, "I do not want you to sing a song. I _do_ want you to go to the other side of that quasar though."

"I can't do that, but I could fix you some cake! Would that make you feel better?"

"Why can't you do that?"

"My readings say it's impossible."

"You readings can go and whistle."

The bomb drew closer to the ship.

"We could always go with inconsistent consistency." Fenchurch said quietly.

"What are you talking about?" Arthur asked.

"She means," Marvin said woefully, "You could activate that horrid Improbability Drive again and see what miserable thing happens that could never happen otherwise. Maybe you'll turn the bomb into fruitcake. Maybe you'll kill Oolon Colluphid with a concussion from an Encyclopedia Galactica that unexpectedly fell from the sky. Maybe we will all just die. It would be rather horrid any way you put it."

"Somebody needs an attitude adjustment." Zaphod said out of the corner of his mouth. If Marvin heard, he made it clear that he didn't care by switching himself off.

"Computer!" Arthur called out, suddenly feeling that he should assert himself some more.

"Hiya!" Eddie said.

"Activate the Infinite Improbability Drive!"

"But I need to-"

"I know! I know! You need to set it first! Here's a number to set it to: six hundred and sixty-six!"

Like the people from the Betelgeuse system, artificial intelligence systems had no sense of sarcasm. Like most of the universe, they also did not know what that number meant to certain cults on the possibly destroyed planet/supercomputer Earth.

Binary poured across one of the readout screens. An infinity sign appeared as numbers coalesced next to it. Suddenly the screen read "Infinity minus one." A large gold button materialized on the control panel.

"Here we go!" Arthur yelled and pressed a little harder than he probably should have; he just got caught up in the moment.

Unbeknownst to the crew of the Heart of Gold, "caught up in the moment" is exactly how Trillian felt at the same time while pleading her case to the recently-reopened Argabuthon Justice Center that she was not guilty for murdering Oolon Colluphid by dropping a copy of the Encyclopedia Galactica on his head.


End file.
